Power Ranking the women of Game of Thrones

13) Gilly   

This glassy eyed chipmunk is dumber than Hodor and has only ever been banged by her dad.  Zero status, average looks and a probable disaster downstairs leave this wheels-off wildling at the bottom of our rankings.

BANGABILITY: 3.1

Pros: Screamer, Thinks you are a wizard.
Cons: Chubby chaser

12) Yara Greyjoy

This mysterious maiden of the Iron Islands is savvy enough to command an entire fleet of ships, yet frisky enough to let her own brother fingerblast her on horseback.  She’s the Princess of Pyke, but doesn’t seem destined for much more.

BANGABILITY:  4.6

Pros: Independent, Knows motion of the ocean
Cons: Salty, Accustomed to hung Ironborn dudes

11) Osha  

Snuck under the radar for most of the early episodes, then WHAMMY!  

This classic North o’ The Wall hardbody is fit with f-me eyes that are sure to offset her lack of any influence whatsoever within the Game.

BANGABILITY: 5.0

Pros: Dirty
Cons: Beehive on her head. May have banged Hodor

10) Shae

Tyrion’s true love is easy on the eyes and a bobcat in the bedroom.  While she’ll make no impact on your upward mobility, she’s impossibly horny and has proven beyond a 4 foot 5 inch shadow of a doubt that she’ll bang absolutely anything. Better hop on this train quickly though as it’s not long until Cersei finds out about her and kills her hard.

BANGABILITY: 5.6

Pros:  Size doesn’t matter, multi-racial
Cons: Actual whore

9) Brienne of Tarth

This sky high, sword swinging she-warrior gets hotter by the episode. She began as merely a colossal curiosity, but has systematically become more attractive with every hot tub butt-shot scene.

BANGABILITY: 6’3”

Pros: Tallest woman in world history, fought a bear
Cons: Only slightly more feminine than The Hound

8) Lady Olenna Tyrell

This spunky septuagenarian is 8th on our list, and I’d happily bang the wildfire out of her. She’s a playmaker and one of the richest women in Westeros. Who knows what brand of terror she’s hiding under all those clothes and blankets, but this high upside senior is worth cringing your way through a passionate bedding ceremony.

BANGABILITY: 6.5

Pros: Experience, Sharp tongue
Cons: Decrepit thorn bush in pants

7) Melisandre

She’s a magical maiden that can see the future in the flames and can guarantee you a son, although he will be a disposable, murderous smoke-devil. Take a chance with this ruby haired harlot and you may soon be the Squire of the Fire in the eyes of The Lord of Light.

BANGABILITY: 6.9

Pros: Firecrotch   
Cons: Will put leeches on your dick

***Sansa Stark  

Her character is supposedly 13 I think, but the actress who plays her (Sophie Turner) is seventeen. Seventeen (legal in Texas) in 2013, but I guess when she was shooting she was 15-16.  Despite the clear lack of sensible statutory rape laws in Westeros, let’s play is safe and leave her off this whole thing, even though her looks and famous last name would have her ranked highly. Not her looks. I don’t know.  

BANGABILITY: XX

Pros: Redhead
Cons:

DELETE THIS WHOLE ONE***

5) Ygritte

The 3^rd crazy Canadian on this list is probably the toughest to rank.  Her flowing red locks and hunting/gathering skills are disproportionately offset by her Barry White baritone and the fact that she’s probably going to cut off your dick at some point. We all like to take a roll in the cave with a crazy chick, but tread lightly if ever invited to do any spelunking with this B-cup Barbarian.

BANGABILITY: 8.0

Pros: Loves oral
Cons: Clingy, rural, might cut your dick off

4) Missandei

The juggy jezebel is the right-hand hottie to Daenerys Targaryen, and she just might be your sneaky side-door into The Great Hall. With the brain, a banging body and giant bags, the Scary Spice of the Seven Kingdoms is someone you most definitely want to sully.

BANGABILITY: 8.2

PROS: Speaks 19 languages, possible 3 way with you know who
CONS: Wears neck lock dress

3)Margaery Tyrell

This high-born, mouse faced millionaire is as easy on the eyes as she is influential in the Game. She’s got both a firm bottom and the Tyrell fortune in her pants.  There is nothing this pleaser won’t do to turn that frown upside down, including brining her own brother into the bedroom if you prefer a little meat in your diet.

BANGABILITY:  8.7

Pros: dynamite wardrobe
Cons: Got dead fish written all over her

2) Cersei Lannister

The Official MILF of the Realm. She’s losing her grip on Westeros, but she’s still on #TeamLannister and that means power, influence and big buckets of gold coins if you can pound the depression out of her . Fill this filly up with a flagon of wine and fight through her dazed, distant glare to bag one of the most deadly damsels in Kings Landing.  

BANGABILITY: 8.8

Pros: doggiestyle,  Always pays debts
Cons: In love with her own brother, bat-shit evil

1) Daenerys Targaryen

Obvious. This can’t miss prospect is the total package. Near perfect looks, a powerful lineage and likely soon-to-be-Khaleesi of The Seven Kingdoms. This MILF of Dragons is a one stop shop for power, prestige and the best all around piece in Essos.  You bag this blonde beauty, you win the Game.

BANGABILITY: 9.4

Pros: You would be The Step-Father of Dragons   
Cons:  barbarian/miscarriage thingy